Mom: That great word. For many people, this word is beautiful, but it has many different meanings. These meanings come from memory, essences and, of course, children. But it is also a role that has its limits. Exceeding these limits can jeopardize the well-being of both mother and child, making them dependent and insecure.
We don’t want to list now the things we moms do wrong. Instead, we are going to talk about actions and attitudes that balance the role of the mother. But this has to be done without the mother trying to dare and control everything. A good mother gives her children space to use their own abilities to face challenges that will help them grow. This is for the benefit of both the children and the mother.
I want only the best for my children
This statement is one of the main principles that mothers follow. But this is open to interpretation, as it comes from the wishes of the parents. It does not provide space for children as people with their own wants and needs. In that sense, this is more of a statement like this: ” I want my kids to have everything I didn’t have (then they have everything). ”
Every child is unique and everyone has their own needs, things they like, and their own personality. But when parents fantasize and want something for their children, they don’t let the children talk and don’t listen to what they have to say. What sports do they want to play, what activities do they want to take part in, what do they want to eat and how do they want to dress. Or what they want to study or do with their lives.
It is the mother’s job to be a helper and be by the side of her children as they grow up. It is not the mother’s job to create desires for her children. The best thing for a mother may not be the best thing for her child. This is also the case when they were young. But because children are dependent on their parents both financially and also for love, they may put their parents ’wishes ahead of their own.
Listen before you steer
Children, as small and defenseless as they seem, have preferences and desires from a really young age. Providing options and choices encourages this. This also makes them feel special and trustworthy when it comes to embracing independence. As parents, we think we know what’s best for our kids, but if we choose things for them for them, we just make them insecure.
Ever since our children are small, we need to let them take part in the choices. For example, they can choose what kind of fish they want for dinner. We can also talk to them about necessary changes, such as decorating their room. However, if they are unable to decide, then we can keep them up to date on decisions within the family, such as moving or changing schools.
Independence = self-confidence
Mothers always see their children as small and defenseless. It is difficult for us to encourage them to become independent. But it can lead to addicted children who don’t know how to do things themselves. Or children who know, but who do everything uncertainly.
We can encourage them to be independent from an early age. Putting all this in motion starts with us doing nothing for them that they can do for themselves. We can start this as early as when they are 8-9 months old, for example by starting finger feeding. It’s a messy thing, of course, but it’s definitely for the child to remember.
Another way to encourage our children to become independent is to involve them in household chores. They have to help us take out the trash, make the bed, do the laundry. They can take care of pets and plants, and help prepare food or clean up. This, too, to the best of their ability. And usually their abilities are more advanced than we think.
Kids love this and it makes them feel useful. We can encourage them to become independent by starting this when they are small. However, it is never too late to start. In this way, we raise children who can solve their own problems with good self-esteem and self-confidence.
Must be “someone”
Today, we suffer a lot from being forced to achieve something. As parents, we are dominated by this idea and prioritize our children’s school grades before experiences that would be equally enriching. Education and study has become the main goal, and it has become the only important thing for our children.
We focus all around this concept of education (which is really limited), and we end up punishing them and commanding them when they don’t get good grades. We force them to study in the afternoons, on the weekends, even on holidays. And when they fail, we look for them in some disorder or cognitive problem that is the cause of these poor grades.
Take control of your child
Mothers do not hesitate to sacrifice their own free time to study or do homework with their children. They try to control everything and sometimes even do their homework for the child to get a good grade. But it is the mother’s job to find the right times and moments and help the children organize. The mother should guide her child to do, not do for the child. As they grow, they need to understand that homework is their responsibility, and they have three goals that only make sense if they see the effort in front of them:
- Repeating what they learn in school
- Deepening what they have learned
- Creating a work routine
It is difficult to grow with a child and give him more and more space. But this state helps the child grow and stimulate the goals to be achieved. This is as absolute as providing home, food and clothing. In this sense, the protective and guiding mother must become a mother who walks alongside the child and encourages this, giving advice, but who does not decide for the child.
This means we need to help our children with dreams and goals that we don’t like ourselves. Maybe these goals are the kind we haven’t chosen, but we must not forget that it’s about their lives, not ours. As adults, we have a lot of power to make that life great, but we can also hinder their dreams. This is the real sacrifice that comes with raising children.