I woke up today feeling sad. I don’t know if it’s due to anxiety, disappointment, or disbelief in everything that happens around me. I do not know, but it is what I know is that grief has conquered me. Hanging out in hours and allowing them to take root inside is considered a crime in a society that pushes happiness into the law of life (along with achieving it).
However, I find that there is something else behind this grief. I! And I’m the only one who keeps it there. I am the only one who can know if the feeling I feel prevents me from being myself. If the feeling I feel doesn’t let me see who I am, what I can control, and what I really want.
But I am determined not to let grief erase my essence. I’m not going to act on what my anxiety tells me to do. The fact is that that grief exists only because I am. So it can’t be stronger than me. I will continue to struggle even if grief is in my inner being and mind. I listen to it sometimes, just in case it has something useful to tell me. If not, I’ll just let it be. But I am the one who has the power.
I feel sad and this is part of who I am
I’m not like a game with a definite outcome. I am a board game where black pieces live together with white ones. They are temporary sensations that I sometimes cling to as if they would guide my steps and control everything I do. And yet despite this, my identity always wins. It’s interesting that these feelings of grief help me learn something new. I build myself in solitude with its cold and deafening silence. I’m listening to myself. Sometimes I have to feel this way so I can understand things and evolve.
I can’t decide anything when I’m sad, but I’ll keep the things this feeling taught until I feel more courageous. Grief has taught me so many valuable things that I don’t want to get rid of it or lose it.
Let the grief take its place
I want it to rise inside me. While I’m leaving, I want to keep holding on to it and give it its rightful place. I don’t want to hurt it. I don’t want to push my feelings. All my feelings are there because they come from within me and I nourish them. I am important to them, I am the reason for their existence, and they in turn make me aware of my own existence.
I just wait and see what happens and what happens from all this grief, whether I cling to it or not. What I feel now is not just something old and common. Grief is a special moment when I can really connect with my feelings.
When I experience sadness as a natural thing, creativity flows out of every part of me. The greater the pain, the greater I am because, for the first time in my life, my feelings sustain me instead of the expectations around me.
I am not going to let grief stop me from fighting for my values
My beliefs are my compass. Everyone else is just things I find along the way. I meet people who confuse goodness with naivety, the shamelessness of authenticity, and the weakness of sorrow. None of this prevents me from achieving my goals, which in turn are a reflection of my values.
Every day I take one step towards achieving it. Some days my grief prevents me from getting anywhere. Some days, on the other hand, seem quite a breeze. And on other days I go too fast and I don’t learn much.
However, there came a day when I became aware that sometimes, even in the midst of the brightest joy, this feeling can improve my life. This grief creates roots and gives me a moment to water them, take care of them, and make them grow. And from this delicate blend of grief and joy, the most beautiful garden of my life emerges, which awoke to the flower with the care of its master gardener.