Love hurts in every way possible: if we have our part, if we don’t have it, if we lose it, if we find it…
When someone falls in love, he becomes subject to countless delusions in which his deepest and most real I is reflected on the surface. Self-esteem is at the mercy of another, self-confidence becomes someone else’s property, one ’s self-image and value depend on the other person. When you fall in love, your whole inner life becomes his.
This can work perfectly and mature until it grows and establishes a relationship filled with friendship, love, and intimacy. But to achieve this we need to find just the right person, and when we say “right,” we mean the right person to reinforce our own true identity.
Relationships are based on giving and receiving, and in this way everything I receive is because another person has first received this same thing from me. So we become mirrors that reflect each other: either the emptiness and vacuum of one or the whole universe of the other.
The need for a partner
Humans are naturally social beings. We have evolved and adapted to living with others. However, this club is safer if it includes a sufficient amount of control over the brain: a small number of acquaintances.
The ideal number is thus two, so that this can evolve to create a family with the individual who chooses himself. For this reason, it is catastrophic for the brain to have no partner or have never been with a partner. The brain then interprets and waits for its own destruction and the opportunity not to extend its genes to new generations. This can be stressful to the point that it makes you fall into the depths of deep depression. Which is downright ironic, because we’re not going to find a partner this way.
On the other hand, if we have a partner, we want this person to bring out the best in us. And many times we don’t realize that that other person can only bring out what we show ourselves to him. This hurts us too. We want them to be perfect, everything works best, to avoid all possible mistakes.
But the truth is that what hurts us the most is when we see the worst part of ourselves in that other person. These are things we don’t accept most of our innermost selves or what we might really want to be, but we’re simply not brave enough to be. But that other person sees this because he sees it in our reflection (remember that we are mirrors).
If we lose the love that has made us immensely happy, then of course it hurts. It hurts so much that we think we can die of love. We need another mirror immediately, but we panicked at the mere thought of finding one we don’t like. Besides, we got used to that other one and we knew what we had.
Our self-esteem depended on that mirror. Our self-image was that other person. Our confidence and security was to know he existed for us. But none of this is true, it’s just an illusion that that other mirror made us believe. Which allows us to fill ourselves and grow in a great way. But until this moment of discovery and enlightenment arrives, it will hurt.
Love hurts when we find it, for we begin to lose other reflections that we had felt up to that moment. We love our new mirror and begin to believe that we cannot live without it, but it hurts. It hurts our ego, hurts our inner selves and hurts the whole world loses just the reflection like us.
What is the solution to this? We need to grow internally in such a way that we don’t need another mirror to move around the world. Our self-esteem must be strong and we must believe in ourselves, independent of any other reflections. Being confident that what we show ourselves to the outside world is the best part of ourselves, what we like most, which makes us feel proud to be exactly who we are.
Thus we manage to reflect to others the most beautiful parts of our own being, in such a way that we get the same back, but even more awesome due to all the excellent qualities that that other person possesses.